Marray, Murray, Middletons and Mud

Posted on July 9, 2012 by writewyattuk

In the words of the Cowardly Lion in The Wizard of Oz, “Unusual weather we’re having, ain’t it?” And while we’re on that subject, did you hear that Dorothy’s other good friend the Tin Man finally got what he wanted during a recent trip to see Wizzard?

Sounds like he was just in time, Roy Wood forced to cancel an appearance at Weyfest 2012 due to a spinal operation. Perhaps it was Andy Murray’s earlier trip to see him that did the damage, the once-dour Scot and occasional Brit clearly following the Tin Man’s “I’m presumin’ I could be kind-a-human if I only had heart” advice and finally getting on board with his emotions.

Set point: Muzzer looks to the heavens (photo courtesy of BBC Sport)

There wasn’t a dry seat on Centre Court – even if the roof was closed – after Murray’s post-match blub in SW19 on Sunday, the world waking up on Monday morning to the possibility that here was a man who actually had a heart as well as truck-loads of true grit and determination.

It wasn’t enough against amiable Swiss maestro Roger the Federer this time, but I think we all saw enough to finally suss we could like this guy and realise that he’s not necessarily made of stone. The future could be bright for British tennis, just as long as the cameras stop showing our best hope’s Mum in the crowd.

At one stage, I did worry that Murray might not finish the match. His early promise and first-set success were swiftly followed by the double whammy of a Federer comeback and an assassination attempt by an army of green-clad ball-boys and groundsmen racing to get the covers on and suffocate the Scotsman in the process. Perhaps it was some kind of All-England directive and a little payback for Bannockburn. I suspect Cliff Richard had something to do with it. Rumour has it that he was about to cover Alice Cooper’s ‘No More Mr Nice Guy’ rather than ‘Livin’ Doll’ if the roof failed to close properly, followed by a duet with Katie Midd on ‘Umbrella‘.

Sunday was a truly emotional day for Muzzer (as we know him … maybe), even if wild-card whipper-snapper Jonathan Marray (or Mazzer as we know him … maybe) had usurped him the previous day, bagging a Wimbledon title in the men’s doubles with Danish partner Fred ‘I can’t live, if living is without you’ Nielsen.

Trophy guys: Fred & Mazzer in a double-take (photo courtesy of BBC Sport)

That ensured the steely Sheffield scrapper became the first Briton to enjoy a Wimbledon men’s doubles success in 76 years. Let’s face it, we hear plenty about Fred Perry’s singles titles in 1934, 1935 and 1936, but few of us knew about Patrick Hughes and Raymond Tuckey’s 1936 win. Respect due.

Before Marray’s win, I thought our best hope was in the mixed-up doubles, not least with comedy mayor Boris ‘Bungle’ Johnson and royal-in-law Peppa Midd on the sidelines at Centre Court the following day. Failing that, there was always the Beckhams, who both seem to have a bit of free time on their hands on the lead-up to the Olympics (where one will presumably take on some of the royal duties on offer while the other puts herself to good use as a javelin).

Of course, while this was all taking place and UK hopes were being inflated then swiftly popped, the Williams sisters were nonchalantly heading home with further singles and doubles titles. Well done girls, but just remember how jolly lucky you are that you never had to play Ann Haydon-Jones or Virginia Wade.

But it wasn’t all about Wimbledon this weekend, and there were plenty of other top summer sporting spectacles in good old wet and wild Blighty. While the cricket seems to have failed to win the masses over so far this year, there was something bordering on hysteria in the motor racing world as a bit of weather and traffic chaos kept those who forked out for tickets away from Silverstone, the venue for an annual summer festival of non-sport, where Mud seemed to be head-lining this year.

Okay, I admit it, Formula One – or ‘driving’ as I know it – hasn’t really gripped me since the days of Emerson Fittipaldi, Niki Lauda and James Hunt, that mid-70s period when Les Gray and his band were at their chart-topping peak. But I thought the sport missed a trick this weekend, not least when the British Grand Prix organisers seemed intent on only letting in helicopter pilots on practise day.

I’ve always liked the idea of drivers racing into the pit lanes only to be met by a couple of surly mechanics, who scratch their beards then say there’s no way they can change those tyres until a week Wednesday, as they’re flat out what with Terry being in Magaluf and Brian off with chronic back pain after too many years scrabbling around on cold garage floors.

Perhaps instead of the usual qualifying ‘excitement’ we could have had live coverage of the drivers making their way to the circuit instead. You could have Mark Webber trying to get a ferry over from the Isle of Wight (well, Australia would have been a bit too far) with the last of that previous weekend’s festival-goers, while Rosberg, Wettel, Glock, Hulkenberg and Schumacher had to drive a fleet of Trabants up from Harwich docks after sailing over from Hamburg.

To make it fair, Lewis Hamilton would have to take a pedal go-kart from Stevenage, and Jenson Button a tractor from Somerset. And to keep the viewing figures up, Bruno Senna would be behind the wheel of an HGV carrying a carnival float packed with top South American models samba-ing away to their hearts’ content, while Fernando Alonso drove a taxi from Luton loaded with UK-based Spaniards still slaughtered after their Euro 2012 post-tournament celebrations.

If that wasn’t enough to whet your appetite, there would be added drama at the gripping climax as a couple of fascist jobsworths on the gates randomly turned away drivers for not having the right tickets and passes. I’d definitely pay to watch that.

There’s still plenty more sport to savour before the Olympics finally gets underway, and while the ‘outdoor snooker’ at Royal Lytham & St Annes won’t excite everyone, we can at least look across St George’s Channel and marvel at yellow jersey-donning Bradley Wiggins’ sideburns as he carries on his quest for success at the Tour De France. It’s all going pretty well for the Chorley rider and his team so far, even if at first glance the Wiggins camp could be mistaken for extras from an early Style Council video. ‘Allez, allez, allez!’ as Mick Talbot might say.

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Catching the sun – Tony Parsons

Posted on July 3, 2012 by writewyattuk

Shelving options: along the writewyatt bookcase

I guess the best fiction takes you on a journey, and in the case of Catching the Sun, Tony Parsons has you making an 8,500 mile trek to Phuket, Thailand.

Not to an all-inclusive honeymoon-friendly world of five-star travel though, but the reality of the everyday struggle for those wishing to ‘live the dream’, and a window on the hard life of the Thai in this island idyll.

It’s been 22 years since my last visit to Thailand, but there’s something of that world I briefly tasted on Ko Samui here, in a beautifully-penned tribute and something of a love note to the hard-working locals who labour around the clock to make these South-East Asian resorts tick.

In Catching the Sun, the Finn family – Tom, Tess and twins Rory and Keeva – leave a troubled UK existence, perpetually looking to make ends meet (something so many of us can empathise with), for a new life in the sun. It’s set in Phuket, but could so easily be Australia, the Med, or wherever you feel your own dream lies.

Island idyll: Tony Parsons’ Catching the Sun

Parsons fans will not need reminding how well he weaves his vignettes of everyday life with high drama to perfectly pace a story we can all relate to. Whether you know Phuket or not, we’ve all experienced that feeling of ‘wouldn’t it be great if we could just stay here?’ The reality can be anything but, of course, yet Parsons lovingly describes what might entice you in the first place. And even in the darkest moments you can appreciate the draw of the beaches and hinterland he paints.

Good drama needs villains, and there are plenty here, again roundly drawn and real, and it is a testament to the author that you’re there with Tom and Tess as they face their uphill battles to get by.

There’s an informed portrayal of the family’s Thai neighbours too, again believable characters, and those who have to scratch a living in this tourist paradise. The descriptions of the Thai holiday nightlife and a resort that never seems to sleep are brought vividly to life, that never-ending throbbing soundtrack from the bars, traffic and daily trading adding to the picture. Yet you also get a feel of the peace that generations of back-packers and independent travellers have coveted about this treasured part of the world since the days of the hippie trails.

The descriptions of the wildlife are also clearly well grounded in the author’s hands-on research – from efforts to free a stranded dolphin to the daily swim for elephants, and the bitter-sweet stories of the gibbons, turtles, the rainforest and the seas as they are exploited for human gain.

There are trademark Parsons scenes where the children – in this case Tom’s son Rory –  are the wise ones, imparting the kind of knowledge the adults are too blind to see, a love of nature finding a true voice as an outlet to educate. And the best teachers are always those who pass on their knowledge without you realising you’re learning.

Back catalogue: Past Parsons in the writewyattuk collection

That way we get to understand more of the dark side of the island’s history and that constant battle between the preservationists and the unthinking locals and tourists, seeking advantage of a natural beauty that should never be taken for granted.

It’s not just nature either, with Parsons giving a non-preachy approach to document the sex industry that gives Thailand such a bad name. For Catching the Sun is every bit a story of temptation as well as opportunity and exploitation.

There’s something of Michael Morpurgo’s brilliantly-drawn Running Wild in here, not least Parsons’ measured, colourful descriptions of the 2004 Boxing Day tsunami that so devastated this part of the world, something that also told us so much about ourselves and our own attitudes to the bigger picture. But for all those wider themes, the heart of this tale lies with the human relationship.

We’ve all known families that have looked to an outside solution in a bid to start afresh and build a better life, and the Finn family have that chance, yet soon realise life’s far from rosy and your baggage always come with you.

But along the way, Parsons’ meticulously-drawn characters and settings take you there among the casuarina trees, the bow-shaped bay, the longtail boats, turquoise waters, and smells and sights of Thai life, in the best tradition of a fine story-teller.

* Catching the Sun by Tony Parsons (Harper Collins, 2012) is available from all good book shops, amazon.co.uk and other leading internet stores 

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Deutschland uber alles at the New Table of Dreams

Posted on July 2, 2012 by writewyattuk

Was ist das? Yes, sorry to break it to you like that, readers, but Joachi Lowenbrau’s Germany were crowned Kings of Yooropa last night, after a thrilling final and a momentous climax to the Yooro 2012 table football tournament.

Deutschland reigned supreme in Daftown after a topsy-turvey encounter at the New Table of Dreams, the Germans getting off to a slow start and finding themselves 2-0 down before pulling their metaphorical socks up and storming into a 7-2 lead.

From there, Lauren Blancmange’s French France – the form side going into this encounter – upped the ante and pulled their own proverbial chausettes up, briefly leading  8-7 before a major ding-dong, a veritable ping-pong of points and plenty of pinball-style moves led to the sides being locked at 9-9.

Nerves were truly taut from that point on, but in the end Messi Ozone – who had already bagged two German goals – hit a wicked shot that took a cruel deflection off Patsy Nevra to wrong-foot the until-then unflappable French keeper Huge ‘HGV’ Laurie.

Contrasting Emotions I: A delighted Luke Podcastski at the final whistle

Contrasting Emotions II: A devastated Sammy Nicely at the final whistle

It was a bitter-sweet night for the French, who did enough to secure the goalscoring award with 59 strikes across six matches, and who also boasted golden boot winner Florentine Mangetout.

The Chelski star made sure of that award with a hat-trick to make him the highest goal-scorer with 14 finishes, beating off Fabi Pigherder, who scored two on the night, and Supermario Gnomez, whose own double ensured parity on 13 strikes. But ultimately it wasn’t to be the Frenchman’s night.

In an emotional post-match interview with Daftown TV, Blancmange was visibly wobbly yet tried to put a brave face on his side’s defeat, saying ‘the proof is in the pudding, and unfortunately it was a Black Forest night’, in reference to his earlier war of words with Lowenbrau.

The German coach previously said the French had more chance of pushing trifle up the Eiffel Tower than claiming the Harry Delawnmower trophy. Yet Joachi was full of praise for his opponents after Sunday’s final, saying France were ‘clearly not to be trifled’ with in future, adding that as a player he ‘would have gladly served Blancmange’.

Tense moment: The view from a passing blimp just before kick-off. Note the poor positioning by German keeper Manny Annoyer that would ‘cost his side early doors’ according to DTV summariser Reg Hatkinson.

That left Daftown TV presenter and ex-Ingerland legend Barry Spinnaker with very few pudding puns left, but he did quip that he was glad summariser and French World Cup winner Patrice Viagra ‘hadn’t desserted’ him after the match, going on to add a few more deadpan one-liners with delighted Deutscher studio guest Yogi Klingfilm. And after a staggering 510 goals over the tournament, there was plenty of drama, fantastic finishing and dynamic defending to talk about.

It was also noted by high-ranking YooArthur officials Seth Blather and Michel Platypus that there were precious few cards shown, no penalties, mercifully few rod-spins, only a handful of over-enthusiastic table rocks, and little sign of the crowd trouble or technical problems expected pre-tournament.

An early drama in which one goal-line sagged was quickly put right by the groundswoman and some perfectly-placed parcel tape, and while there was slight concern over rod warping (not to be confused with the famous Scottish celebrity fan and ex-Faces singer), the New Table of Dreams was deemed a great success, having clearly survived its traumatic transfer from t’other side of Wigan in a major rebuild just prior to the tournament.

The garage now awaits the NTOD, but future outings are expected, and there’s already talk of the organisers entertaining Brazilians for the prestigious staging of the 2014 Fifi World Cup Finals in Daftown.

Results: Group A – Poland 10 Greece 6; Russia 7 Czech Republic 10; Greece 10 Czech Republic 4; Poland 5 Russia 10; Czech Republic 6 Poland 10; Greece 6 Russia 10. Group B – Holland 10 Denmark 8; Germany 10 Portugal 5; Denmark 10 Portugal 4; Netherlands 4 Germany 10; Portugal 10 Netherlands 6; Denmark 10 Germany 8. Group C – Spain 10 Italy 4; Ireland 9 Croatia 10; Italy 10 Croatia 6; Spain 7 Ireland 10; Croatia 2 Spain 10; Italy 9 Ireland 10. Group D – France 10 England 8; Ukraine 8 Sweden 10; Ukraine 4 France 10; Sweden 7 England 10; England 7 Ukraine 10; Sweden 9 France 10. Quarter-Finals – Russia 6 Germany 10; Denmark 8 Poland 10; Ireland 10 Ukraine 7; France 10 Spain 8. Semi-finals: Germany 10 Ireland 8; Poland 3 France 10. Final: Germany 10 France 9.

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No Eire faerytale for Van Trapp in Yooro semi-showdown

Posted on June 30, 2012 by writewyattuk

The dream is over … again. Following a group stage exit for Ingerland, there was no Eire faerytale finish for Tony Van Trapp’s over-achieving Oirish outfit in their Yooro 2012 table football tournament semi-final.

Ireland finally got their come-uppance on Wednesday night at the hands of Joachi Lowenbrau’s Germany, the technic-proficient Germans on typically-top form as they progressed to the final after a 10-8 victory – taking their goals tally to 48 so far.

But there was no hint of trouble between the opposing fans in Daftown, with reports of David Hasselhoff and Dubliners songs being played into the early hours as the party continued, with schadenfreude and shenanigans aplenty.

Bad night: Eire’s Johnny St Patrick tries to look calm after his defensive mistake, while keeper Stray ‘Cat’ Gideon is clearly way off his line.

There was also drama the following night as Polska followed Ireland home (apparently, their Daft Air charter flight was refuelling in Dublin), after something of a thrashing from Laurent Blancmange’s formidable French France side.

In their rather bewildering post-semi-final press conferences, both Blancmange and Lowenbrau were quick to out-gloat and out-quote each other in a series of Cantona-style musings and pronouncements about their respective teams’ chances in the final.

Blancmange chided that his strike force were ‘likely to make Black Forest gateaux out of their German opponents’ in Sunday’s big match if they continued their current hot form. But Lowenbrau bit back, saying at least that proved his side ‘are tasty’, adding that Blancmange had ‘more chance of pushing trifle up the Eiffel Tower than lifting any trophy at the New Table of Dreams’.

However, the flamboyant French go into the final on the back of the only 100 per cent record in the tournament after five fine wins, following Thursday’s 10-3 semi-final thrashing of an off-form Polska side.

That proved to be the second biggest win of the tournament, after Espana’s 10-2 humbling of the Croats in Group C, a tired Wyatt daughters’ pairing proving fatal as Franc Rubbery and Florentine Mangetout pulled the Poles apart – so to speak – much to the delight of watching YooArthur official and French legend Michel Platypus.

Matches 29 and 30 of the Yooro 2012 table football championships were -as ever -action-packed, and also ensured at least 500 goals in the tournament – even if we see a 10-1 drubbing in the final. That’s not likely, but it probably won’t rule out a busy Saturday at Daftown’s Ladsbroke, Yoobin Done and Bet Dave gambling emporiums before Sunday night’s final.

Big Defeat: The Poles’ heads were clearly down after their semi-final defeat to French France

In Wednesday’s nail-biter, early slapdash defending from Oirish quarter-final hero Johnny St Patrick and comical goalkeeping from Stray ‘Cat’ Gideon led to what proved an unassailable lead for Lowenbrau’s Deutsch Jungen, and despite a great comeback and two goals each for Bobby Keynote and Danny Duffy, it wasn’t long before Supermario Gomez and Messi Ozone had finished the job.

It was far more emphatic the following night, on a night to forget for Polish keeper and one-hit wonder Gooner Szczesny Hawkes. But French France boss Blancmange will certainly have to do his devoir-scolaire if he is to successfully plot his team’s way past favourites Germany in the final.

Yet he can take heart from the the fact that his French fancies are the tournament’s top scorers so far, having amassed a scintillating cinquante goals so far from their five matches. And whatever the likely outcome, the New Table of Dreams’ stage is certainly set for what promises to be a memorable final.

Results: Group A – Poland 10 Greece 6; Russia 7 Czech Republic 10; Greece 10 Czech Republic 4; Poland 5 Russia 10; Czech Republic 6 Poland 10; Greece 6 Russia 10. Group B – Holland 10 Denmark 8; Germany 10 Portugal 5; Denmark 10 Portugal 4; Netherlands 4 Germany 10; Portugal 10 Netherlands 6; Denmark 10 Germany 8. Group C – Spain 10 Italy 4; Ireland 9 Croatia 10; Italy 10 Croatia 6; Spain 7 Ireland 10; Croatia 2 Spain 10; Italy 9 Ireland 10. Group D – France 10 England 8; Ukraine 8 Sweden 10; Ukraine 4 France 10; Sweden 7 England 10; England 7 Ukraine 10; Sweden 9 France 10. Quarter-Finals – Russia 6 Germany 10; Denmark 8 Poland 10; Ireland 10 Ukraine 7; France 10 Spain 8. Semi-finals: Germany 10 Ireland 8; Poland 3 France 10.

* You’ll only find coverage of the Yooro 2012 table football tournament final via https://writewyattuk.wordpress.com (I should imagine). 

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Ireland ready for Lowenbrau taste test

Posted on June 26, 2012 by writewyattuk

Tony Van Trapp was putting the finishing touches to a brash meisterplan this week – his bid to unseat Yooro 2012 favourites Germany in Wednesday’s table football tournament semi-final showdown.

TVT’s Oirish outsiders surprised us all with Group C victories over Spain and Italy, then added a 10-7 victory over Ukraine on Saturday night in a quarter-final epic. But the Italian boss – speaking through a County Kerry translator – cryptically admitted his side ‘may have to move Macgillycuddy’s Reeks’ if they are to progress any further, with Joachim Lowenbrau’s Germany ‘standing in the way of a grand finale’ against either Poland or France.

MacGillycuddy’s Reeks: Eire may have to move these mountains to beat Germany, according to Tony Van Trapp

There might have been a couple of stouts involved, but after his earlier fall-out with his own fans, former Eire international, Muncaster United legend and Daftown TV summariser Rory Keynote was having something of a love-in with the Oirish fans after that historic win over Ukraine.

Two goals each from namesake Bobby Keynote, Jack O’Seamus and Danny Duffy did the damage, a perfect display topped off by inspirational defender Johnny St Patrick’s winner amid fantastic scenes at the New Table of Dreams.

Plenty more pints of the dark stuff have been consumed in Downtown Daftown since that  shock result, but now Van Trapp’s side face their stiffest test yet. And as Lowenbrau said – similarly mystifyingly – in his press conference, “I am not looking to tolerate any  leprechaun shenanigans on the night’. So there you have it.

The following night there was further drama as Laurent Blancmange’s French France side saw off tournament co-favourites Espana to set up Thursday’s semi-final with Polska. And Spanish team boss Vince Del Busker was left speechless at the post-match conference, not least after a hat-trick for until-then out-of-form striker Ferdie Toreador was followed by a late double from Johan Cabbage.

Those two nail-biters were the culmination of a thrilling weekend in which Daftown house-guests the Beans and the Champions played their part in what Brazilian table football legend Hudson Oranges do Natimental – better known as Pilau – would no doubt have labelled the ‘Beautiferous Game’ if he’d actually accepted our tournament invite.

Fondant fancy: Johan Cabbage was on form again for French France

In the first quarter-final, Lowenbrau’s Germany were ‘lager than life’ according to national icon Frank Buchenboomer. The self-styled ‘Deutsch Jungen’ saw off Russian 10-6 – despite a great display from Roman Pavlovachunk – with Luke Podcastski scoring four goals on the night.

Poland kept their nerve in the second quarter-final for a 10-8 win over Orson Morsen’s Denmark, the opposition’s rousing choruses of ‘Wonderful Copenhagen‘ and assured performances from strike duo Dali Rommcom and Nicky Bandido not enough to put off determined Polish keeper and one-hit wonder Gooner Szczesny Hawkes in a stunning spectacle of table football.

And if each of those four victorious nations show similar form in the next two matches, we’re definitely in for further hyperboles and over-exaggerations from here. For sure.

Results: Group A – Poland 10 Greece 6; Russia 7 Czech Republic 10; Greece 10 Czech Republic 4; Poland 5 Russia 10; Czech Republic 6 Poland 10; Greece 6 Russia 10. Group B – Holland 10 Denmark 8; Germany 10 Portugal 5; Denmark 10 Portugal 4; Netherlands 4 Germany 10; Portugal 10 Netherlands 6; Denmark 10 Germany 8. Group C – Spain 10 Italy 4; Ireland 9 Croatia 10; Italy 10 Croatia 6; Spain 7 Ireland 10; Croatia 2 Spain 10; Italy 9 Ireland 10. Group D – France 10 England 8; Ukraine 8 Sweden 10; Ukraine 4 France 10; Sweden 7 England 10; England 7 Ukraine 10; Sweden 9 France 10. Quarter-Finals – Russia 6 Germany 10; Denmark 8 Poland 10; Ireland 10 Ukraine 7; France 10 Spain 8.

* Stay in touch with https://writewyattuk.wordpress.com for the thrilling conclusion of the Yooro 2012 table football tournament. 

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England expect … too much

Posted on June 25, 2012 by writewyattuk

Has everyone calmed down a bit now? I made the mistake of trawling through the social media channels after Sunday night’s England penalties defeat, and saw how many ‘experts’ there were out there purporting to know exactly what went wrong.

The best thing about our Euro 2012 campaign was that we weren’t given a cat in hell’s chance of success. And perhaps that helped push us on to a group win and give an admittedly more technically-adept Italian side a real run for the deflated Euro.

In the end, the penalties hoodoo counted, and near-misses from the two Ashleys were the difference that mattered. On another day, Joe Hart might just have stood there and caught that cheeky down-the-middle ‘spoon’ from Andrea Pirlo. But it wasn’t to be. So get over it.

Hart surgery: What can possibly go wrong from here? (pic courtesy of BBC TV)

Pretty soon after that, a succession of theories as to what went wrong followed from across the broadband network, starting with the BBC’s Alan Hansen and permeating through to a succession of barstool connoisseurs of the Beautiful Game.

Granted, I’d love to see a bit of flair return to the national set-up, but was that really the match to do it in? From Jimmy Greaves onwards, we’ve never really built our team around such talent – more’s the pity. And not being born until 1967, I’m a bit sketchy on what happened when Greavesie was left out of Alf Ramsey’s team the previous year.

Finishing? There is that too. A few more shots on target might help too. Stop me if you think I’m being picky though. The passing could certainly be better, but at times we did seem to string a few together, and even some of the Air Force One balls directed at our pony-tailed Geordie sub were more often than not nicely controlled and laid off again. Credit where credit’s due.

Guidance required: Roy and Ray are rocked (pic courtesy of BBC TV)

Actually, I’ve got an issue with the pony-tail. I’m not actually coming out here, but I have to admit my youngest daughter insisted I wore her hair extension for the big match in honour of our substitute with the girl’s name. More to the point, she tied my mock-mullet up with a bobble when he took to the field. I caught sight of it earlier and thought it was more Roberto Baggio than Andy Carroll anyway, so didn’t stand in the way of such modification. Besides, I like to think I at least had something to do with AC’s better moments on the night. The things you do for your country.

At the end of the day, to be fair, in all honesty, etc etc, ad nauseum, perhaps Roy Hodgson did the best he could with the team he picked. Maybe it wasn’t the best team. Maybe it wasn’t the best squad. Maybe on another day Wayne Rooney might have been on top form and won the game single-handedly. All maybes. Nothing more than that.

There could have been the odd tweak here and there, but I’d like to give Roy the benefit of the doubt that he had the right idea and knew what he was doing … sort of.

A cocktail of Fabio Capello’s technical ability and Roy’s spirit seemed to be the preferred recipe from those speaking on the radio over the cornflakes on Monday. But it doesn’t always work like that.

I for one was pleased to see we finally had a bit of team spirit, a certain camaraderie in the squad alongside good old English true grit. Lancashire comic Steve Royle pointed out on twitter that ‘never has the class divide been more epitomised than in Scott Parker’ with his ‘upper class hair and working class mouth’. I like that. A truly British image. And to keep the comedy theme going, I’ll go back to the bit about camaraderie and that classic line on Only Fools and Horses where Trigger thinks ‘Camaraderie’ was ‘that Italian boy’ in Slater and Del Trotter’s school football team. But that’s another story.

Buffon direction: Gianluigi points to the problem  (pic courtesy of BBC TV)

In a post-match interview, England captain Steven Gerrard said: “I’m just in a zone of frustration and disappointment because we’ve come so close to ending that quarter-final hoodoo.” Couple that with the BBC commentator’s line about Gianluigi Buffon being in the corridor of uncertainty at one point, and you can see it’s a complex map we have to digest then memorise if we’re ever going to reach Gerrard’s promised land – the ability to compete with the might of the Spanish and German national teams.

Over our four games, Terry justified his inclusion – whatever we might make of him – while Johnson, Lescott, Cole, Parker and Walcott provided the odd moment, and hopefully promising futures await Oxlade-Chamberlain and Welbeck and some of the players in the wings this time through injury or what-have-you.

Much of this has probably been said somewhere since Sunday night, but there was one other important factor in our defeat that none of these so-called experts picked up on, that I can exclusively reveal here. I was playing Newmarket with some visitors and our girls the night before and lost heavily. Luckily, it was only Minstrels we were playing for, and they were pretty hot and sweaty by that time, so it was no real loss. But I noted that the diamonds were definitely holding sway over the hearts when it came to the red cards (you can probably see how this complicated mind works now, so hold on tight to that thought). And as long as I can remember, I’ve always referred to the former as ‘diamante / diamanti’, like the Spanish or Italian. No particular reason. So when Alessandro Diamanti took to the field in the later stages, I had a foreboding feeling of doom – one proved right with the very last kick as the Italian sub out-witted Joe Hart in the England goal and ensured his side’s progress.

As pointed out by ‘In Roy we trust … maybe’ a few days ago, at least I can now relax and enjoy the competition at a more chilled pace now England are out. But I admit it does leave a bit of an empty feeling. First, the host nations’ swift exit, then disappointment at the Irish underdogs, now us. We have arguably the best footballing sides left in the contest now, and I think we all expect a Germany v Spain final – unless a little more magic from Pirlo or Cristiano Ronaldo can make a difference.

Either way, this has been yet another international tournament that has proved a joy to watch most of the time, with the hosts playing their part too. As for us, roll on Brazil 2014. Give Roy a chance and see what he can change over these coming few months. The future is bright. The future is Roy … maybe.

* Stay in touch with https://writewyattuk.wordpress.com tomorrow for the story of the Yooro 2012 table football tournament quarter-finals. 

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The Wedding Present – Valentina (Scopitones, 2012)

Posted on June 25, 2012 by writewyattuk

I don’t suppose you’ll ever get a truly unbiased review from this scribe for a new release from The Wedding Present, a band that have played a fairly pivotal part in my life these last 25 years. Besides, what started as a straight review soon turned into something of a valentine to the song-writing genius of David Lewis Gedge.

“I used to think that I’d rather fight with you than fall in love with somebody new. I think I needed shaking up; I’m not going back to how it was” (You’re Dead)

I’d appreciated the Weddoes some time before my first sighting, courtesy of John Peel’s championing of the band and their inclusion on seminal NME promo tape, C86. Yet for one reason or other it took a while before I finally clapped eyes on them.

If memory serves me right it was meant to be at Fetcham Riverside Club, Leatherhead, but a double-booking led to an early TWP departure, the band leaving a hand-written A3-size apology to those who had sought them out in deepest Surrey.

“There’s really no need to explain, he’s Tarzan and you’re Jane. He’s Bogart, you’re Bacall, and I’m sure he has it all” (You Jane)

Some product: The Wedding Present & Cinerama on CD

We were disappointed, but decided to drown our sorrows over a pint before heading home. Yet there was a sense even at this stage that the band was going to be big, and we contemplated taking the band’s apology with us … only to find someone had beaten us to it. Outrageous.

As a result, my first Weddoes live experience was at Reading’s Majestic Ballroom in February, 1987, backed by the wondrous Close Lobsters. If passion is measured in broken guitar strings, outfield trio Gedge, Keith Gregory and Peter Solowka were off the Casanova scale that night, and we were hooked. I noted at the time it’s not often you see a bass string break 10 seconds into a song. It was that kind of night.

“I’d never met her before I found the heel that came off her shoe. I laughed when she swore. Her lips were red and full. I said: “I think I want to kiss you” She said: “When will you know for sure?” (Meet Cute)

Things escalated from there, and by October of that year – 25 years ago! – the size of the venues had grown for the tour promoting sublime debut LP George Best. I still remember the heady excitement of my first play, many of the songs already well known to us by the time they were committed to vinyl.

As all TWP followers will know, the inter-song banter and general feel you got from the band ensure – however large the auditorium – there is always an intimacy, something that continues to this day.

“Since you’ve begun to show what kind of person you are I think I might have had an epiphany. That’s why I need to go and this may sound a little bizarre, but I’m going before you do the same to me.” (Back A Bit… Stop)

Prime cuts: The Wedding Present on vinyl

I’ve lost count of how many times I’ve seen the band or off-shoot Cinerama now, but it’s included many great nights around London and – since the mid-90s -Manchester. That included several at the Hop and Grape, followed by manic sprints back to catch the last train out of Oxford Road. I think it was sheer adrenaline that ensured I got home alright, although that last-gasp hike over the bridge to the right platform nearly finished me off.

Nostalgia remains a great reason for sticking with Gedge through his many band re-jigs, but while – with a wink to the camera – ‘all the songs sound the same’, it doesn’t really matter when the music is that good in the first place.

“You’re in so many of her dreams that there’s no room left, it seems, for me. And I curse the day you met and I’m begging you to set her free” (Stop Thief!)

DLG’s pride and joy sounded as fresh as ever on the George Best 20th anniversary tour – playing the album in its entirety in track order – at Manchester Academy the day before my 40th in 2007, a triumphal concept repeated for the Bizarro album 21 years on – this time witnessed on a memorable snowy night in late 2010 at Preston’s 53 Degrees.

I’m sure it will be a similar tale for this year’s Seamonsters 21st anniversary tour, but don’t think for one minute the band are not still making great albums. The personnel might have changed somewhat over the years, but on the evidence of latest release Valentina, Gedge still has plenty to offer.

“And when you entered your number into my ’phone I knew, right then, that I would never call. I was going through the motions, which I’d never usually condone, but you were safely trapped behind ‘The Wall’” (The Girl From The DDR)

Past passion: the author waxes lyrical on TWP in his late ’80s publication Captains Log, including a ‘My Favourite 10’ LPs list submitted by David Gedge

From the moment Gedge’s vocal snarl meets Charles Layton’s drum intro on You’re Dead, we’re on to another TWP winner. That heady mix of innocence, maturity, joy and pain has been a staple since those early waxings and is never far from the surface, the band effortlessly shifting gears on the opener before chugging into the slow-building You Jane, and never looking back from there.

There’s little point in a traditional review here. Most bands give a casual nod to their influences, and you can hear elements of the bands Gedge has loved over the years. Yet for me the prime source is always The Wedding Present, and there’s nothing you can put your finger on and label ‘derivative’. Just when you think you know where they’re going, Gedge and co. are off again, taking an unexpected fork.

“You won’t give it a thought and that’s neither wrong nor right. But I’m the deer that’s caught in your headlight. And how can it be that just one glance is enough to petrify me?” (Deer Caught In The Headlights)

Along the way, there are many sumptuous moments, not least the trademark chop guitar, rumbling bass, complementary-sweet backing vocals, and persuasive percussion with the power to beckon this pensmith down the front at live outings. Add to that the fly-on-the-wall poetic licence DLG has honed so well over the years, and you’re getting the picture.

It’s fair to believe a band still making albums 25 years down the line has seen all its finest moments, but the passion here tells otherwise. Remember 1992, when TWP released a single each month and broke into the charts each time? Well, 20 years later, tracks like The Girl From The DDR suggest they can still write hits, Gedge as proficient as ever for off-the-wall love songs with a twist. In this case, Pepe Le Moko’s luscious backing adds a Frank and Nancy Sinatra style setting for the usual guitar-fest.

“Effortlessly chic, with scarcely any make-up. You’re really quite unique from the second that you wake up” (524 Fidelio)

Ex-band member Terry De Castro adds further vocal charm on two songs, suggesting there’s always a way back into the squad for ex-band-mates. And perhaps all these anniversary album outings have helped remind Gedge what it takes to produce top form.

With the George Best analogy springing back to mind, perhaps it’s a squad rotation policy – this time fellow song-writer Graeme Ramsay, Le Moko and Layton ensuring a proper band feel – that keeps Gedge on his game. Like Best, he was never likely to be dropped to the bench, but seems to crave that fresh creative spark around him.

“There’s never really a good time to say goodbye. But don’t pretend it’s not a relief to hear me say: “I’m thinking, right now, maybe we should end it” (End Credits)

Valentina was never going to be the Weddoes’ finest studio outing, but it is certainly their latest triumph, and its songs are as inspirational as those we were hearing in 1987. So fair play to you, David, and keep up the good work. We clearly still need you.

“And no one could’ve been more surprised than me when you wrote your number down and said: “Call me at the first opportunity”. Because this does not happen to me.” (Mystery Date)

* Thanks to the band and Scopitones for use of the lyrics. For forthcoming dates, check out http://www.scopitones.co.uk/ 

Meanwhile, Valentina is available from all good record shops, internet stores or direct from the band’s website.   

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Shadows in the sky by Pete Cross

Posted on June 22, 2012 by writewyattuk

writewyattuk hq: the books stop here

It’s a sure sign of a great read when you finish the last page and go right back to the start again … and that’s exactly how it is with Pete Cross’ Shadows in the Sky.

Look along my book shelves and you’ll find history, classic and contemporary fiction, travelogue, biography, and a growing section of children’s and young adult fiction.  I’m really not sure which section Shadows In The Sky should belong to, but it falls perfectly into all those categories.

I know Cross best for his monthly column in Cornwall Today magazine, this reviewer living the dream from afar – forever inspired by a county, its landscapes and people that have been a part of my life so long, and never far from my thoughts.

Through that column, Cross regularly champions the cause of the Cornish chough, and he‘s a regular volunteer at The Lizard’s Southerly Point RSPB watch-point, helping spot a remarkable and treasured bird for so long associated with England’s most westerly county.

Winning prose: Shadows In The Sky

Admittedly, it took a while for Shadows in the Sky to rise to the top of my reading pile (erm, five years in fact), but aren’t some of the best treasures those that remain hidden for so long and become unexpected pleasures?

At school, I had a teacher who often spoke in endearing terms about Richard Bach’s Jonathan Livingston Seagull, and there are elements of that here. The same goes for Richard Adams’ Watership Down, Henry Williamson’s Tarka the Otter, Paul Gallico’s The Snow Goose, and more modern children’s fiction, not least Michael Morpurgo’s War Horse, Born To Run, Running Wild and Shadow.

Yet Shadows In The Sky isn’t necessarily for children. It’s just good, honest story-telling that happens to appeal to all ages. Boys and girls of all ages will be drawn in, a passion for his subject shining through in Cross’ writing.

While it’s a page-turner and something of an easy read, the description of the land and seascape is up there with the very best Cornish-based fiction over the years, from Winston Graham’s Poldark series through to Helen Dunmore’s adult and children’s books set in the Duchy.

It may well be a labour of love, but I have to say it’s not what I expected. It could have been a very dry history of pyrrhocorax pyrrhocorax, a simple child’s story, or just a collection of wide-eyed musings over this beautiful red-billed and red-legged member of the crow family – its author desperate to get his passion over to the rest of the world. But I should have known better, for Cross has a gift for story-telling, whatever the medium, and he proves that here with literary dexterity.

In short, Shadows In The Sky takes us through 300-plus years of the chough’s dogged history in an eminently-readable style, expertly weaving historical fact and fictional interpretation. The result is a realistic spin on troubled times for one of our national treasures. En route, we encounter (almost first-hand) the chough’s trials and tribulations from 1700, when it thrived in the Far West, through to 1900, by which time its numbers had dwindled dramatically, and on to its return a century later.

Each section follows that odyssey through the eyes of the choughs themselves and the people who play their part in their story, right through to a 2001 return from exile, leaving  Brittany and setting up the small colony – happily calling Cornwall home.

Colin Stimpson’s evocative illustrations complement Cross’ prose nicely, and from the moment we encounter what looks to be one of the last-ever Cornish chough sightings in the early 1970s, the author weaves history back and forth – seemingly effortlessly – to great effect, to a point where you’re there on the wing and the clifftops at the end. Or is it really the beginning?

* Shadows in the Sky by Pete Cross (Studio Cactus, 2007) is available from all good book shops, amazon.co.uk and other leading internet stores 

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Blather and Platypus rule changes prove disastrous for Coy

Posted on June 21, 2012 by writewyattuk

Apologies for the late update for all those waiting to find out how the Yooro 2012 table football championship group stages ended, but it’s been a bit manic in Daftown, not helped when someone pulled a wire out of our wireless at a key moment.

What’s more, we suffered a few problems that made that delay in Donetsk for the deluge at the start of the Ukraine v France match ‘pail’ in significance (sorry, hopefully that’s the last bad pun … maybe).

First, we had a player injury in the Denmark v Germany clash that necessitated an overnight postponement, the teams resuming at 6-6 the following afternoon and Orson Morten’s Danes reacting better – their 10-8 victory ensuring both sides progressed to the last eight. But there were four more key matches to come before we knew the full quarter-final line-up. And even then we weren’t too sure.

Table drama: The official form used by the cheapskates at YooArthur to determine the Yooro 2012 quarter-finals. Note the correction fluid used by Blather and Platypus in Group D

It all started going wrong when my youngest came close to swallowing a cough sweet at a crucial moment, the lozenge in question ending up on the floor. The resultant breach of the ‘five-second rule’ meant she had to go and wash it under the tap before we started again. But in her haste to return, her bare foot caught a door on the way back and there were tears … followed pretty swiftly by bedtime.

That set us back (yes, she’s fine now, so put down the phone, you don’t need to call ChildLine), but even more drama was to follow two nights later, while trying to work out the final quarter-finalist. I blame UEFA, whose policy of ‘results between nations tied on points’ rather than goal difference left our tournament ‘suits’ at YooArthur adopting a similar policy … then failing to work out what the hell that meant.

It was easy enough with the other groups, but in Group D –England’s group – I have to break it to you that French France won all three matches and the other three teams won one each. If it was down to old-fashioned goal difference followed by goals scored, Sweden would have bagged second place (26 goals scored, 28 conceded), with England just missing out (25-27) and Ukraine bottom (19-27). But – on the whim of YooArthur bosses Michel Platypus and Seth Blather – it appears that you only take into consideration the matches involving the teams in question.

Johan Cabbage: The French striker effects nonchalance, despite a 100% showing for Laurent Blancmange’s side in controversial Group D.

Still with us? I know time’s precious, but I’m getting there … honest. So that took France’s results out of the loop, which we at first thought was great news for England (17-17), who fared better than Sweden (17-18). But we were forgetting that Ukraine had been stuffed 10-4 by France, a result that no longer counted, leaving them in second place (18-17).

As expected, Coy Hudson was disappointed but gracious at the result, and Ingerland’s dream was over. Some muttered that it was divine providence after that ball-over-the-line fiasco in Donetsk, while others countered that with the old ‘offside’ argument. This was of course totally irrelevant. No one has ever been offside on the New Table of Dreams, or in fact on the legendary table that we had before that.

It was a blow to see the back of a talented side just hitting their top form, but we learned some valuable lessons along the way. In short, our girls were fractious to say the least after a late night on Tuesday watching the action from the Donbas Arena. So when the ‘lucky’ coin-call led to them being paired together as England against myself and the other half’s Ukraine the following evening in a delayed decider, there were definite signs of lethargy in their subsequent 10-7 defeat. And believe me, we tried our best to ship goals.

As it was, just one more England goal would have been enough to tip the balance, but as a surprisingly philosophical Gerard Stevens said at the post-match interview with Daftown TV, “At the end of the day, hindsight is an ass!”

On a brighter side, I can report that there were sweeping choruses of ‘Molly Malone’ from the Oirish contingent as Tony Van Trapp’s side sprang a stunning 10-9 victory over the Eyetalians to secure their own quarter-final place, and they now face Ukraine. Also in Group C, there was a stunning 10-2 win for Spain– the best of the tournament – as Ferdie Toreador hit a hatful of goals to see his side into a showdown with Laurent Blancmange’s unbeaten French France.

And those quarter-finals start tonight with what should be a colossal encounter between Russia and Joachim Lowenbrau’s Germany, followed on Friday night by Orson Morsen’s Denmark againstPoland.

So there you have it, Coy and co. may have departed earlier than we hoped for, there will no more Ron Aldi and Nani Lidl moments of Portuguese magic, no Greek grace or Czech charm, no Double Dutch mastery or Croatian artistry, no Italian renaissance or Swedish swagger from here on in. But there’s still plenty to savour as the Yooro 20012 table football tournament rocks on to its final seven matches.

Final group results: Group A – Poland 10 Greece 6; Russia 7 Czech Republic 10; Greece 10 Czech Republic 4; Poland 5 Russia 10; Czech Republic 6 Poland 10; Greece 6 Russia 10. Group B – Holland 10 Denmark 8; Germany 10 Portugal 5; Denmark 10 Portugal 4; Netherlands 4 Germany 10; Portugal 10 Netherlands 6; Denmark 10 Germany 8. Group C – Spain 10 Italy 4; Ireland 9 Croatia 10; Italy 10 Croatia 6; Spain 7 Ireland 10; Croatia 2 Spain 10; Italy 9 Ireland 10. Group D – France 10 England 8;Ukraine 8 Sweden 10; Ukraine 4 France 10; Sweden 7 England 10; England 7 Ukraine 10; Sweden 9 France 10.

* Stay in touch with https://writewyattuk.wordpress.com for more from the Yooro 2012 table football tournament 

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In Roy we trust … maybe

Posted on June 20, 2012 by writewyattuk

Hair product placement was the winner on Tuesday night, as we saw a rare glimpse of the real Wayne Rooney following our fortuitous victory over Euro 2012 hosts Ukraine.

Okay, going-bald gags are hardly the mark of great cutting-edge (excuse pun) humour. But at least we saw our wonder striker relaxed enough to take the mickey (rooney) out of himself and have a friendly pop at Mark Hateley-impersonating ’80s throwback and occasional scorer Andy Carroll in the post-match interview. And that’s got to be a good sign, surely.

One of the enduring images of the not-so-Fabio-after-all era was perhaps that training ground bust-up with the press and a distinct lack of bonding sensed about the whole operation. But with Roy Hodgson in charge there seems to be more of a ‘chillax’, the kind of laid-back mood popularised by a Prime Minister who recently left his daughter in the pub.

Danny’s delight: Danny Welbeck nets in style against Sweden. Pic courtesy of ITV. (NB: scorer not to be confused with Yooro 2012 sensation Donny Bellwhack)

That doesn’t necessarily mean we’ll go much further this time of course. There was a similar ambience in the England camp at the 1998 World Cup finals. Remember all those player interviews as Glen Hoddle’s side racked up song title after song title in some bizarre (excuse record company pun) wager? They might even have gotten away with that a little longer if it wasn’t for the pesky boss’ Agadoo reference.

But 14 years later, we appear to be happy enough as ‘unfancied’ quarter-finalists, which might be a good idea with Italy up next, and Germany and Spain waiting in the wings. And the longer the nation doesn’t really believe we can do it, the better as far as I’m concerned.

While Roy Keane might have got a little tetchy at his own countrymen’s ‘sing when you’re losing’ mentality as Trapattoni’s Eire set about ensuring an early flight home, those rousing choruses of The Fields of Athenry ensured nothing but good-will for the Irish Republic, despite a pretty dismal showing.

It was sad to see both Poland and Ukraine knocked out so early, but you get the feeling both nations will quickly bounce back and stick around from here on in. Thankfully, the whole racist debacle we feared seems to have been marginalised so far. Instead, we have a sense of the better side of two proud host nations who not so long ago both heroically seized back their respective states from Soviet mastery.

In the past, maybe I’ve only truly relaxed and got to enjoy a tournament once England have been knocked out. But you get the feeling there’s still plenty of good stuff to come this time, despite our continued involvement.

Roy Hodgson: pleased with the application shown by Wayne Rooney in Tuesday’s post-match interview. Picture taken just before writewyattuk stormed the ITV studios (NB: manager not to be confused with England’s Yooro 2012 coach Coy Hudson)

Hats off to Roy for that. Expectations remain relatively low, but that’s a positive as far as I’m concerned. And there’s still plenty to look forward to as we reach the last seven games, not just from our boys – with hints of better to come from Portugal, Spain, France and Germany too.

Hopefully, there’s plenty more in the tank from Walcott, Welbeck, erm … Wooney, and co. There’s also something in Scotty P’s tenacity and Stevie G’s vision to warm the soul. Add to that the anticipation of the odd lung-busting run from Cole, Johnson, Lescott, Young and the O-C, and there’s even a little belief growing from this cynic. Perhaps more to the point, I feel less worried each time I spot JT and Joe Hart on the ball too, as their confidence returns.

It’s not just about us either. There’s all those over-elaborate Ronaldo step-overs to enjoy, and hints of form from Fernando Torres that must bring tears to the eyes of Chelsea fans.

It’s not only the skill factor either. You can play ‘spot the look-a-like’ too, on and off the pitch, and while Dutch boss and Paul Weller doppelganger Bert Van Marwijk is no longer involved, there’s still Wedding Present legend David Gedge masquerading as German boss Joachim Low, and an uncanny likeness between Czech star Petr Jiráček and West Ham legend Billy Bonds. Or maybe that’s just my beer goggles talking.

And if I can just avoid all those miserable buggers on radio phone-ins harping on about goal-line technology and England’s shortcomings, I’ll be alright from here on in. While we’re at it, maybe we can storm the ITV studios and somehow block them from showing those dreadful betting adverts during matches. That way, we’ll be assured an enjoyable last week and a half of the tournament, hopefully with an extra slice of ‘don’t give up your day-job’ comedy from the England camp along the way.

* Stay in touch with https://writewyattuk.wordpress.com for breaking news of a controversial end to the Yooro 2012 table football tournament group stages tomorrow. 

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